just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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