well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
