dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
