So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
