My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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