I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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