I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Let's get the cat blown out
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
