I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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