i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
