cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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