My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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