You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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