I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
