so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
