I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
