Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
