Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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