I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
