advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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