Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
