Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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