a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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