seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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