When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
