I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
