I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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