some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
