It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
