why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
