I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
