the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
