he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
