things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
