3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
