The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
