You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
