WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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