guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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