for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
