some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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