So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
