he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
