my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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