I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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