I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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