Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
