i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
