Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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