hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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