census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You are the jesus of drinking
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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