I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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