I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
