8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
