i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
