At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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