dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
