I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
