It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
