i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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