she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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