new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
